Relationship
defines everything.
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| Image courtesy of JD Hancock |
People
benefit from the support of close friendships through thick and thin - even
when things in the relationship are difficult. As long as the definition of the
relationship remains. But as soon as the relationship rules are changed and
redefined as a different relationship then the benefits that were associated
with the original relationship go with it too. No?
When
you''re married and it goes through a rocky patch, you're still a couple and
the fundamental foundations remain despite the difficulties. When you're
friends with someone its much the same. But when one party decides the
friendship is no longer personal, but only "business as usual" then
the personal fringe benefits are signed off too. No?
When
the rules that define any relationship are deliberately changed, then so are
the fringe benefits that come with it. When one person redefines the
relationship it becomes redefined from both sides, even when only one person
decides to redefine the dynamic. While there should always be scope for
flexibility, one person may break the rules and then seek to address this, this isn't changing the rules, its being human and most seek to return to the original
boundaries. The second party may decide that that the broken rules require
boundary changes and thus redefinition of the relationship. But once the rules
have changed one way, they have changed in both directions. And even the person
that has redefined the relationship cant expect to enjoy the benefits that came
with the original context of the relationship No?
A
couple get divorced but remain friends. The relationship is no longer defined
in terms of sexual exclusivity - that fringe benefit is lost with the
redefinition of the relationship. The same happens when there is a chasm that
forms in any kind of relationship that is subsequently redefined. Two people
may seek to build a bridge and work hard to rebuild or repair a relationship on
the same terms or they may choose to leave the chasm there and simply acknowledge
each other from each side of the great big gaping hole.
The
problem of course is when one person wants to rebuild and the other doesn't. It
simply isn't possible.
In
theory all of this seems realistic. However our emotions get in the way. All the
time. So a relationship suffers a knock. One party decides to redefine it. The
other party see this person suffering greatly and wants to reach out and bring
healing. Unfortunately the redefinition makes this difficult and first party
may blame the second person for their loss despite them being the initiator of
redefinition. It gets complicated.
However
its in building bridges and seeking healing that we are able to make it through
relationship changes. And relationship change doesn't have to mean redefinition,
it can mean discovery, and even rule changes within a relationship don't have
to mean the definition has to change. But redefinition always means rule
changes. Ironic that it doesn't work both ways.
So I
hear the bells ringing behind me..What about trust? Well there are two types of
trust breach. Intentional and unintentional, and even then there will be grey
areas of interpretation. If one person breaks a rule and then regrets what
they've done, their honesty may well cost them the relationship, whether its
with their partner, their best friend or their bank manager. Do you tell your
friend? Lover? Associate? or remain silent and hope its never discovered.
The
first stepping stone to rebuilding trust is honesty. Both parties have to be
receptive to honesty. And this can be difficult because in a case when someone
has been wronged, it is difficult for them to accept that they too have made
mistakes. Often it is their injury solely that forms the foundation for
relationship reconstruction and this is unhealthy too.
Imagine
that a construction worker makes a mistake and the house he is building
collapses on both him and his client. Both he and the owner suffer injury. But
if he in his injured state has to make reparations without any help to recover
his own injuries, then the quality of the reparations will be
poor.Relationships are the same. Both parties become injured when something
goes wrong.
If the collapse of the house was done intentionally then it is probable that all involved would be killed and so when a deliberate attempt to hurt a relationship is made often the relationship dies with it, However when the intention was not deliberate even the most devastating of consequences can be rebuilt upon.
If the collapse of the house was done intentionally then it is probable that all involved would be killed and so when a deliberate attempt to hurt a relationship is made often the relationship dies with it, However when the intention was not deliberate even the most devastating of consequences can be rebuilt upon.
Trust
can only be built when all injuries are considered and that begins with true
forgiveness and a desire to rebuild.
And
why should we forgive? Don't we all need forgiveness? Don't we all make
mistakes, error of judgement or think with our emotions instead of our logic?
Even
Jesus who never wronged any of us - has given us forgiveness, so how can we not
use this wonderful gift as a tool to rebuild ourselves, our relationships and
the world we live in.
It is
the Salvation of Christ that should redefine all our relationships. Its starts
with forgiveness and is the formative to tool in building (and rebuilding)
trust, hope, love and faith.
